Today I take off the mask and reveal the little girl that was broken, abused and torn. I was that little girl who was molested and taken advantage of. “But God still had a plan.” I was that little girl who witnessed domestic violence and became angry and bitter. “But God still had a plan”. I was that young adult that found love in all the wrong places. I was trying to fill up empty spaces of lack in my life. But Yet! “God had a plan”! I learned how to put on the mask and take it off. It was something that I grew accustom doing. Once I had my first born, I stopped doing certain things but in the inside I was destroyed. On the outside I worked hard, finished school, did all that I could to support my family but yet I was broken. Alone with nobody around, the fear of my unstable feelings kept creeping up inside of me. I was wishing I was never born. Such an evil device of the enemy. But “ God had a plan”.
My mind was the enemies playground, I fell in deep depression and wanted to end my life many times and even tried. But yet, “God still had a plan”! His purpose was more powerful than the enemies devices. I hid behind my mask that appeared strong but I was hiding in shame of my decisions, and in my shame of mistakes. Anger gripped my heart of not having a stable childhood, abandoned by my father, and trusting my heart and it always failed me. The walls were crashing in on me and I couldn’t bare it! My life was going down. Throughout my life I kept building pieces of my wall all around me and my children. Not trusting not letting anyone in. You can be a great mom, but feel empty from the inside. Part of the mask is being functional in many things but yet dysfunctional within. I felt worthless and searched for someone who can fill that void. I wanted what I never had, a complete family. However, I fell in a toxic relationship. Who would have ever thought I would be the one receiving punches, slaps behind closed doors and go to college and go to work. Thinking I still had a grip on my life. Moment after moment being stripped of my dignity, my sense of worth, my heart being torn almost cost me my life. Yet with all this, “God still had a plan”. There came a moment when I thought I had a grip on my life but everything was falling apart. I wanted to be numb and drank my pain away temporarily until I would wake up deeper in my darkness. I needed saving.
I was in a relationship that only God could help me with and He did! He gave me a way out! It might not have been the way I wanted but He did. One night I had a dream that my children’s father was going to hurt me but something was blocking him to come near me. The same night His plan was to break into my home and kill me. He banged and banged on my door almost to the last hinge. Fear and survival gripped me like never before. As any mother would I put my babies in a closet and told them never to come out until I said so. I was ready for whatever was going to come through that door! But yet “ God had a plan”, He covered me! He let me see that nothing was coming in between His plan! Life was never perfect but God had to repair all the damage. He still is doing wonderful things in me even when it hurts. He gave me courage! He showed me His love was enough. Why? Because He had a plan!

Let Your True Beauty Shine